Chess jokes?

to make a long story short : Nimzowitsch( I think) plays in a tournament where smoking is prohibited. His opponent has rolled a cigarette and keeps it on the table. Nimzowitsch goes to the arbiter and sais : My opponent clearly threatens to smoke and as we all know a threat is stronger than its execution

Two chess players were discussing:

1. My wife said if I go to the chess tournament this weekend she will divorce me.

2. That's bad, what are you going to do?

1. I will play 1.e4 as always.

Two Australians playing chess.
A: How was your day, mate?
B: Where!?

Can someone explain #3? The black vs. Capablanca on Saturday?

And how can it be modified for other sports?

It means if you play with the black pieces against Capablanca with the white pieces...that your game is as good as lost...on Saturday. Capablanca was a chess prodigy and world champion... that many consider a worthy rival to Fischer. Wow...a match between them would have been great. Insert another game and add the master player and the joke works. :]

It also means you will be dead,by Saturday.

I took it to mean the bad news was he has to play black instead of white, but that makes sense also.

a Rabbi, Donald Trump & Magnus Carleson walk into a bar.

Rubinstein: Doctor, am I insane?
Doctor: Yes, but does it matter? You're a grandmaster.

Debating idiots is rather like trying to play chess with a pigeon — it knocks the pieces over, craps on the board, and flies back to its flock to claim victory.